Much of what I write comes from my everyday experiences with people close to me; my boys, my love, my friends, my acquaintances, my students, and my extended family.  Some of it is old stories that resurface with a new enlightened view, some of it is Now stories where my eyes are wide open to the Truth.  This particular little post is inspired by my 6 year old niece after a recent visit to my parent’s home on Mother’s Day…

It was an unusual event that led me to travel to Pennsylvania.  My mother had 2 heart attacks a week before Mother’s Day and ended up in ICU.  My father was understandably a bit of a wreck, and most of my updates were coming via mass text. So, not knowing how she would fare and feeling the need to decipher her condition in person, I flew up with my youngest son to see how she really was.  By the time I arrived on the Friday before Mother’s Day, she had actually been released from the hospital to start her substantial recovery process.  All my family were either there already or coming in by Sunday.  So we had this impromptu family reunion.  During this reunion I found myself “in charge” of the 5 kids that were staying at my parents house.  One of which was my beautiful 6 year old niece.  She has always been precocious, and says it like it is which I admire greatly about her.  This day she looked right in my face and said, “Aunt Vicky; do you love Jesus?”  I thought I might have an inkling of where this was coming from, but as I avoid assumptions I won’t say I know for sure.  However, my inkling is that some of my family members have been a bit concerned about my status as a Christian over the past few years as I have explored many foreign avenues that might seem unorthodox or even downright heathen to them.

I grew up in a family that was Southern Baptist in its roots.  We attended many different brands of churches over the years, but in my family there was always a big focus on calling yourself a “Christian”, a “Believer”, “Born Again”, and many other terms that  sometimes come with mixed feelings and certainly with varying opinions.

I didn’t openly question this upbringing at all in my formative years, or even in my adolescence; maybe not even in my twenties.  But something always nagged at me about the way that it seemed that I was taught to “follow Jesus”, but then I listened to the conversations that reeked of judgment and exclusivity, and I would feel angry, rebellious and confused.  Due to my family dynamics, most of these feelings and thoughts were kept silent inside of me, and I struggled through those years with a incomplete understanding of who I really was and am.

I tell people often these days that I was born with a gift of Faith.  I can say from a place of deep Truth that I have never considered that there isn’t a God or some sort of Power that brings purpose to our existence.  My understanding of that Power has shifted over these last years to be that we all have God Power within each of us, and we find our own unique paths to access It- no one right way; everyone has their own experience of God.  I like to visualize it as a little flame inside each and every cell in my body.  Then I transfer that visualization to each cell in the body of whoever I am speaking to.  Then I look around and see it in each molecule that makes up the trees, the cardinal I see, the air that blows across my face.  It is beautiful the way I see God now.  This changed view has come from opening my mind to the idea that maybe I had the right idea so long ago when I was a little girl.  When I thought that Jesus being in your heart just meant that you had a really nice non-judgmental guy loving you inside.

My first remembered experience with Jesus was when I was 4.  I had been to a VBS (Vacation Bible School) in my neighborhood that told me about Jesus.  I don’t remember the VBS or what they said.  What I remember is that I sat under this side table in my family room and Jesus was sitting with me.  I talked to him, and he talked to me.  We had a little chat, and he told me that he was part of me.  Now I understand that to mean, The Christ Within- my God-Self- my Christ Consciousness.  Then I knew it like a little girl knows it- Jesus and I are One, and this was a beautiful and magical experience.  I told my mom that I asked Jesus in my heart, because that is what our family called it… and Ta Da- I became a “Christian”.  I didn’t understand at that time what expectations and opinions would come with this new label that was given to me.  Nor did I sign up for that to be perfectly frank.  I just knew that Jesus sat with me under the table and we were friends.  That’s All there was to it.

Now I know some people hated being “dragged” to church, but I remember actually loving it.  I loved to sing the songs, I loved the Sunday School stories, and even as a teen I loved learning about the Bible.  I have tons of Bible scriptures memorized from all stages of my life, and they still guide me frequently today.  But what I learned from a church standpoint didn’t just include reading the Bible.  It included the human and religious dogma of the day.  And my family thrived on the dogma.  The weird structure of ever-changing rules is just what seemed to appeal to them.  So I remember thinking that even though Jesus was supposed to have died for my sins, that somehow I wasn’t good enough to be saved.  I tried to follow the rules perfectly, but somehow I didn’t.  I didn’t do everything the right way.  I didn’t even know from day to day what the right way was.  So I sat on the chairs in my dad’s latest choice of church and asked Jesus in my heart over and over and over again.  Each time thinking that maybe this time I would get it right.

Sometime around 14 I developed an eating disorder, and it may sound odd, but that’s when I noticed that Jesus was still hanging around with me.  He sat by my side as I threw up my one meal of the day- a salad of lettuce and carrots dressed with lemon juice.  He stood non-judgmentally beside me as I carefully placed cheerios in a bowl of milk to pretend I had eaten breakfast.  He sat neutrally observing my endless crunches and leg lifts, and my stair steps up and down an old green faux leather footstool from our living room that I kept in my bedroom for the late night exercise sessions that I completed tirelessly.  He didn’t comment or tell me that I was wrong; he just watched.

I went off to college and I still continued to love the peace and serenity that I found in going to church.  I used to go to this old Episcopal church.  I picked it for the architecture and the amazing stained glass windows.  I had to learn to cross myself as I went down the aisle to take communion every Sunday.  That was new.  Baptist churches only do communion once a month with grape juice and crackers.  Here they had a priest in robes, with wine that reeked of rubbing alcohol and wafers that tasted like the dust that we are made of.  Yet every time I entered this space I felt whole and cleansed.  I felt the serenity that I longed for at that time in my life.  Serenity was tough to come by those days as I plodded along thinking I wasn’t good enough for anyone and certainly not for Jesus.  I don’t remember noticing him then, but then I wasn’t that aware at that time.

Through the next 10 or so years of my life I floated to various churches, emulating my dad’s dissatisfaction with everywhere we went to church until I landed at a United Methodist Church after my first son was born.  I craved a place to receive some love, because by this point in my life I was feeling pretty tapped out in that department.  I was a part-time psychotherapist, full-time mom, and my home life was a struggle.  I found Jesus again in those next few years in the faces of some amazing women that loved me, supported me and eventually empowered me to choose to live my life in a new way.  A way that began to allow me the space to find the God Voice within me again.  I continued to question the rules of the general church though, and could never feel peaceful about the hierarchy of men to women that always seemed to lurk in the background.  I was the girl who was always opening her mouth with some kind of question on “why” must it be this way, or stating “I can’t find anywhere in the Bible that I am supposed to submit to abuse!”.  Needless to say I made some waves.

About 5 years ago this week I finally found my True Voice and I made a statement that would change my life forever.  This was the next time I found that Jesus was one and the same with me.  I use this mantra now- “Only God Moves Me”, but back then I didn’t have those words.  At times I had no words at all, no thought, I made decisions completely on the guidance of this Christ voice within me, and trusting fully the promises that I read in the Bible that seemed written just for me.  Sometimes I audibly heard a voice tell me what to do or say, and I would just do or say it.  I had no road map for this new life.  Nothing was what I had planned for myself or for my 2 boys.

Sometime into that first year as a single mom, a friend told me to embrace Jesus as my husband.  I thought it was ridiculous, weird, and even a little sacrilegious, but I began a journal asking Jesus to be my husband.  My first entry ended with the statement that if Jesus was going to be my husband then I needed “a gift… because husbands give gifts”.  I am not sure where this cheeky comment came from, but in my exasperation I stated it.  And that is the next time that I knew Jesus.  The gift came on a trip to the mall with a friend just a few days later.  I didn’t have money so I was along for the ride, but she was buying perfume for her daughters for Christmas.  At the end of her transaction the perfume counter clerk began to make a second bag filled with samples.  She reached across the counter, looked me straight in the eye, and said; “You look like you could use a gift.”  I was speechless as I opened my hand to receive the bag of samples.  Later I would realize that each fragrance and lotion had some special scent that held meaning for me and became my first symbol of the many gifts I would receive from Jesus as my husband over the next 5 years.

I continued through these past years to attend many different churches and spiritual establishments.  I said at one point that I think that I have visited every church in Pinellas and Pasco county.  I visited and met tons of lovely people along the way.  I still enjoy attending sometimes, I still love the music, I still love the Bible stories, and I still can’t understand the dogma.  So as I became increasingly less enthralled with the Christian church, I began to open myself to understand other religions and lifestyles.  I have explored Buddhism, Taoism, mythology of all types, Gods and Goddesses, Native American belief systems, Sufis, mysticism, yogic practice, and too many more to list.  What I have found is that each one of them has there own special person who inspired their religion/lifestyle, and each one of them can be consumed with dogma as well.  The special master that inspired each of the religions/spiritual followings/lifestyles came to their own beautiful understanding and expression of their True Self.  And each of these inspiring masters has amazing wisdom words and ideas to offer us.  But from my point of view, it seems that somewhere along the way the human ego likes to turn the beautiful words into rules and laws; just what all these masters didn’t promote!

Interestingly enough, I found Jesus again in a new way during these explorations.  I found Jesus as the bringer of Light and Love and Truth into a time in our world that was just as dark as our times today.  I learned that his message coincides with and complements the words of Lao Tzu and Buddha, Kwan YIn and the Boddhisatvas.  I found Christ isn’t separate from me, or any other person on the face of the earth.  We all might interpret God differently.  We might have different ways to call our God.  We might have various ways of saying our prayers.  We might have different places where we feel closer to the Source of All That Is.  But when it comes down to it, we are all filled with God Power and Jesus is one of many spiritual guides to find that very real part of yourself.  At least that’s my current understanding of it.

Last year, I received this very clear image during meditation of the words Sat Nam in blue ink tattooed on my wrist. Sat Nam is the Sanskrit mantra which means “I Am Truth”.   The blue ink stands for the throat chakra- our energy center in our throat that symbolizes finding your Voice, and using your Voice to speak Truth.  I went that week and got the words tattooed on my left wrist, right where I visualized them to be.  I thought of Jesus later as I looked at my new ink.  I thought of his commitment to Truth, and I took up that commitment in me that day.  Almost a year and many “Voice of Truth” statements later I still use this mantra as the core of my chants to bring in my True Self: “Sat Nam, I Am Truth”.

Today as I write this I feel a bit sad, and even a little scared to write what I have written, but I know it is my Truth today.  Jesus sits here with me now, I feel his presence and  I can imagine a little nod that it will be ok.  Just like back in the day when he sat serenely next to me while I cried into the toilet, he sits here today.  I see Jesus in lots of ways these days, sometimes it is a random gift to remind me that I am supported fully by God of the Universe.  Sometimes it is in the kind of face of a woman who speaks Truth and Love without judgment.  Sometimes it is in the teenager who takes a stand for herself in the face of abuse.  Sometimes it is in the words of wisdom from an 8 year old boy.  Sometimes it is in the clouds as I view a rainbow of colors that make me believe that our world is really going to change.  Sometimes it is in a hummingbird that is the Spirit of my Christ like Granny.  Sometimes it is in the impromptu smile from a baby.  Sometimes it is a touch from my love that reminds me that I am worthy of a blessed and loved life.

So do I love Jesus?  The answer I gave to my beautiful niece was “Yes, I love Jesus.”  And that is the answer that I give to you today.  While my vision of who Jesus was and is has been throughly explored; his message of Love, Light and Truth is always the same.  Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow, and that is truly the thing that I love best about this Ascended Master.

Thank you for your time and attention to this unusually long post today.

Peace, Love and Truth Telling,

Victoria